Saturday 30 November 2013

A denial too far



The following situations all occurred in my last couple of weeks of working in the Trust. What makes these situations all the more poignant is that they happened over the Christmas period.

A young woman was referred to me from the Macmillan team. She had terminal cancer and was not fully accepting her diagnosis. She had told the palliative care team she was finding it hard to pray which is why they asked me to see her.

When I saw her she looked really frail and it was obvious she wasn’t going to live much longer. She told me that she had run out of words to say to God. I said that was ok, that the bible says that the spirit intercedes for us with sigh’s too deep for words. She seemed to take some comfort from this. I also read her Psalm 139 which says that God knows our words even before we say them. These conversations happened over a few days as it was only possible to have snippets of conversation before she was exhausted.

The one thing she was consistent about was her wish to go home. She was going back to her parents house as she wasn’t fit enough for her own home. One day she told me that she wasn’t going to be able to go back to work. I thought this was a breakthrough and began to open up the conversation about how she would prepare for her death. We seemed to be going in the same direction and then out of the blue she told me she was looking forward to her dad taking her out in the car for drives until she got better.

I knew I couldn’t lead her down a road that she wasn’t willing to travel. I also know that some people die in denial. All I could do was walk with her wherever she took me. I would often take her poems and readings and read them to her. She would always say thank you and appreciated me coming but we never went further than that.

She got home and died two days later.

These situations can lead to the professionals involved feeling dissatisfied. I think we all did a good enough job. It would have been wrong to push her when she wasn’t ready to face her imminent death. I think God would have helped her and did help her through that last process and that is something we can’t know about till our turn comes.

Sunday 24 November 2013

Never Alone



May my words be in the name of the living God, Creator, Redeemer and Sustainer. Amen

Here in the UK there was a lot of fuss recently about baby Prince George’s birth then baptism. He is 3rd in line to the throne and will maybe be King one day.

I was having a chat to a mate this weekend as she had recently been at an event that the Queen was present at. They were told to curtsey or bow as she went past. Because my friend hadn’t practiced this, she ended up not doing it as the moment went quickly. 

When I had to be in a line to meet the Queen we were told the same thing. Being the Rebel Rev that I am I did nothing because she is just another human being and I have trouble “subjecting” myself to anyone.

Then I get the short straw and have to preach for Christ the King again as Wendy likes to be away at this time of year. How will I bring something new to my thinking about all this when I don’t like all that triumphalist stuff?

Christ the King was an invention of Pope Pius XI who got a bit worried about all the secularism in the 1920’s and wanted to celebrate the reign of Christ. It’s not been around that long then in the churches terms. We have an even more secular society now so maybe the Pope put out the wrong image.

Of course as well as being Christ the King it’s stir up Sunday when you lot that love the kitchen rather than see it as a route to the garden, traditionally would stir up your Christmas puddings.

Well I’m good at stirring but in a different sense so let’s see what I can stir in today’s readings.

Jeremiah gives us this image of God
4I will raise up shepherds over them who will shepherd them,
and they shall not fear any longer, or be dismayed,
nor shall any be missing, says the LORD.

That’s a very different view and not too Kingly. Then this lovely bit of Colossians:
Brothers and sisters:
11May you be made strong
with all the strength that comes from his glorious power,
and may you be prepared to endure everything with patience,
12while joyfully giving thanks to the Father,
who has enabled you to share
in the inheritance of the saints in the light.
13He has rescued us from the power of darkness

I did stop before we have talk of the Kingdom in that reading because I want us to hear that we all have a share in the inheritance of the saints in the light. You know I love imagery about light and dark and sometimes we have to get comfortable in being in the gentle light of the moon because we can’t always be in the bright light of the sun but as long as we never let the darkness totally overwhelm us. We can be made strong so that like Janet Morley’s beautiful prayer we can say that in the darkness we were not lost.

Then we have the gospel which gives us the broken Jesus still reaching out from the cross to the thieves around him. I can really identify with this conversation with the one geezer saying to the other “leave him alone. We’ve done wrong, he ain’t” When I was a kid I was always being punished and being the intelligent child I was I decided that if I was going to get into trouble anyway, I might as well do something to deserve it. I think that is fantastic logic for a child. So I used to come in late or whatever bit of defiance I could think of on that day and as I got the wallop I would smile inside because it didn’t hurt as much as getting whacked for doing nothing.

So getting back to our readings we have this situation where Jesus says to the thief “I will see you in paradise soon” I wonder if the other thief had a change of heart seeing this meaningful exchange?

This exchange made me think about this business of who we might meet in heaven. It seems like there will be thieves, and all the other misfits that Jesus hung out with and that made me think that if we don’t like the people on earth we aint gonna like heaven much because the people that give us the ‘ump will be there too.

So we are going to have to do something about this business of loving one another and getting alongside each other here on earth and working on this love stuff. 

Well how does all that link with today’s reading. One of the past Vicars at St Mark’s loved the following hymn and always made us sing it every Easter. It was an awful tune but I think the words are powerful:

Therefore he who shows us God
Helpless hangs upon the tree;
And the nail and crown of thorns
Tell of what God’s love must be.
Here is God: no monarch he,
Throned in easy state to reign;
Here is God, whose arms of love
Aching, spent, the world sustain.   

It’s that last bit that gets me every time
Here is God: no monarch he,
Throned in easy state to reign;
Here is God, whose arms of love
Aching, spent, the world sustain.   

That’s the king I can identify with, the one who was prepared to enter every human struggle and who deeply understands our sufferings and what does he do he stretched out those arms of love. He doesn’t sit austere on a throne and make people tremble before him but lovingly reaches out to us in the darkness and is aching for us to say “here I am” and to reach the rest of the way into those arms.

How many times have you longed to be in some ones arms but kept the stiff upper lip and didn’t let go? I am a professional collector of tears. It is one of my gifts and is a real privilege that people invite me into their fears and anxieties and hurts and shattered dreams. I will open my arms to hug and embrace anyone and I never want that to change.

I’m not always very good at letting my tears flow and I am very fortunate that when I do I can receive a hug and let people come close. In that way my friends are bringing some light in the darkness and some of God’s love to wrap around me. If I can do it as someone who was once a little toughy and a street urchin, then so can you. Please open your hearts, minds and arms to one another. Get to know and love the people around you so that when you get to heaven you can enjoy the company.

I recently did a memorial service at the school. I finished with this song by Lady Antebellum, I will put the words on the screen and I’d like you to just sit and be still and listen and as your thoughts drift remember those aching arms of the king of love outstretched to you and as the song says remember you are never alone.


May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
May you always have plenty
Your glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Well, I have to be honest
As much as I want it
I'm not gonna promise the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when it's time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fear surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone


Love doesnt die people do



My time at the Tust was coming to an end. I was aware that I was going through a grieving process myself as I began the long round of goodbyes with all the staff.

One of my favourite places in the hospital had always been ICU. The staff were great and really welcomed me and there was always something to pick up on.

It was on one of these regular wanderings through ICU that the staff stopped me and told me about a patient who had just arrived. He was 85 and his wife had died. Her funeral was the day before and after the funeral the man had gotten into his car and deliberately driven it into a wall. He had broken both legs but would survive physically but they were worried about him emotionally and spiritually.

Unfortunately in this instance none of the chaplaincy have really been able to make a connection with him.  He was apparently well before his wife died and was not confused. Now it is very difficult to have any meaningful conversation with him. He rambles about nothing in particular. He has obviously made his choice to switch off and die and be with his wife. He has no family in this country. 

In the limited time I have left before I leave the Trust I will continue to try and make a connection but I must say I don’t hold out much hope this time, just the ultimate hope that he will find peace once again when he dies and joins the eternal continuum of human existence and is reunited with his wife.

Sunday 17 November 2013

The challenges and tragedies of mental health issues



One day as autumn was fast approaching I was bleeped to an A&E resus bay. A 21 year old woman had been brought in who’d been found hanging at home. I watched the team work on her but the resus attempt was unsuccessful and the young woman died. 

I waited for the family to arrive and spent some time with them. The mum was obviously distraught. She was alternatively blaming herself and the mental health services at the hospital for not picking up on how ill her daughter was. Her daughter was known to the psychiatric services as she was a self harmer. She had recently split up with her boyfriend and this had tipped her over the edge. What can you say at a time like that? Words are just so inadequate. All I could do was keep the supply of tissues coming and try and stand firm as all that raw emotion washed over me.

Eventually the family calmed down and started to ask me questions. I explained that a post mortem would be necessary and I went through that process with them and what would happen next. When they were ready I walked them to their car and offered continued support if they needed it.

As I walked back into the A&E department I was aware that my shoulders were really stiff. I must’ve absorbed more emotion than I realised. Now the family were gone my attention was turned to the staff. Some needed to talk, some just wanted to be busy. Everyone has their own coping style. I stood talking to the nurse who was preparing the body for the mortuary, when a psychiatric liaison nurse came in. She had just heard and was shaken because she had spoken to the young woman a couple of days ago. She was really upset. I spent some time talking to her and followed this up with some phone support. 

The psychiatric services turned the situation into a Serious Untoward Incident. SUI’s have to be investigated. I sometimes wonder if we couldn’t do a bit better as institutions. SUI’s make people nervous and mean that people often end up responding from a defensive position. Am I being utopian to want a system where people can learn from any mistakes and changes are made so that those situations are unlikely to occur again? This would be possible if it was done in a more supportive way instead of the legalistic framework that currently exists.