A 93 year old wants to die

On my last weekend as this hospitals chaplain, I was bleeped to a ward where I met a very sad 93 year old. Her mind was obviously very sprightly but her body was extremely frail. She held out a really boney hand for me to shake. 

After I had put her at her ease with some small talk she told me that she had fallen out with her husband because he wouldn’t take her to Switzerland to die. She then asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I thought it was very sad that we couldn't have an open debate on this subject to see if in certain situations we could help ease someones death. The problem is the subject is so emotive that a rational discussion is difficult. I also said that some people have to suffer terrible and that was hard to endure and witness. The woman nodded and smiled a sad smile and looked at me through watery eyes. I held her boney hand.

Chaplaincy never ceases to amaze me with the surprises that greet me around the various corners I’ve travelled. I asked the woman if she had spoken to her daughter and she told me there was no point because she was her father’s daughter and would always side with him. She told me that her husband had always been selfish. I thought it’d be really sad for her to die with this row unresolved between her and her husband. I told her what her rights were in this country and that she could refuse active treatment but that she would not be able to get someone to help her end her life. She said it was awful to live too long. I sympathised with her but also encouraged her to think about what she loved about her husband and what had kept them together for the last 69 years. I also encouraged her to talk to her doctors about her wishes.

As a society it feels to me like death is the final taboo. We often leave it too late to discuss what we want with our families and friends. In the end this doesn’t help. I wish I could wave a magic wand sometimes and make it possible for people to speak frankly about this. We’ve all got to face it sooner or later after all.

I was sorry not to see this one through. I'd love to know what this forward thinking woman did in the end. I'd also have liked to know whether she resolved her differences with her "old man" Sometimes I just have to hand situations over to God and say "up to you now mate"

Should Rebel Rev remain in the Church of England?

This is a very different blog from Rebel Rev and is in response to the House of Bishops Statement issued today which can be read by copying and pasting the following link: http://www.thinkinganglicans.org.uk/archives/006450.html

I read the statement this morning while lounging in bed and wished I hadn't. It made me want to hang my head in shame and stay under the duvet. How can "thinking Anglicans" come out with such rubbish? They say about the importance of treating people with pastoral sensitivity and that there is no room for homophobia and yet the whole statement is homophobic.
We all know deacons, priests and bishops who are in committed and loving and faithful same sex relationships. The “don't ask and don't tell” culture is very much alive and kicking. Maybe though it's time to kick back? Maybe now enough is enough of being marginalised and kept at arm’s length or not "seen".

This is lifted directly from the statement "The House is not, therefore, willing for those who are in a same sex marriage to be ordained to any of the three orders of ministry. In addition it considers that it would not be appropriate conduct for someone in holy orders to enter into a same sex marriage, given the need for clergy to model the Church’s teaching in their lives."

Don't these "thinking Anglicans" realise the hurt and upset they are causing? Don't they realise how many of their clergy are already in Civil Partnerships? If all clergy who were in loving and committed same sex relationships came out and boldly proclaimed it, it would rightfully bring the Church of England to its knees and that’s where it should be in repentance.

I came into the church at an unusual time. I was a teenager. So many people of my age who had been church goers, at that time were getting disillusioned and leaving. I came from a fractured upbringing. Alcohol was part of my daily routine. I had to work out how much had been consumed by the adults around me and what the likely affect of that would be on me and my younger sister. I had to keep her safe in that volatile environment. There was no security to my upbringing. I went to 5 primary schools. I got used to moving into different homeless families places. I got used to coming home from school to find the gas or electricity was cut off. Money for alcohol was more important than paying the rent or keeping us warm or even fed. Violence was virtually an everyday occurrence. Just because my parents were heterosexual meant their marriage was acceptable to the church.
I now work in a school where many of the students also come from such fractured homes where love is not central, yet because their relationship is between a man and a woman they can have the blessing of the church.

Well I am at the point where I am heartily sick of it. Who ever heard of a same sex couple having a baby by “accident?” Children in loving and faithful same sex relationships are much wanted, much loved and much planned. Most abuse of children is by heterosexual men whose relationships the church approves of. Isn’t it about time we starting judging the sanctity of relationships based on the love that is shown rather than the fact that it is between a man and a woman. Marriage as was defined by the Book of Common prayer and set out in Canon Law as ‘The Church of England affirms, according to our Lord’s teaching, that marriage is in its nature a union permanent and lifelong, for better for worse, till death them do part, of one man with one woman, to the exclusion of all others on either side, for the procreation and nurture of children, for the hallowing and right direction of the natural instincts and affections, and for the mutual society, help and comfort which the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity.’

I am not an academic I am an ordinary working class priest trying to work at the point where the love of God meets the mess of the world but to my eyes marriage has already been redefined by the Church. We marry people who are too old to have children. We marry people who don’t want children. We marry people who have been married before. Why can’t we take this next step and marry people of the same sex?

I find myself in a very tough spot. The church that showed me how to love by loving me unconditionally as an abused teenager is now inflicting pain on my brothers and sisters in Christ who are LGBT and all of us who think this is wrong. Should I stand by and watch this car crash and wait for more inept statements from the bishops? Should I leave? Should I continue to throw stones from the inside? It’s very hard to know. At this point in time I’m not sure what would be more painful to stay or to go. I can really understand why the shortest verse in the Bible is “And Jesus wept!”

The church in its history has propped up slavery. It took 200 years before it apologised for that one. The church was out of step at times with the civil rights movement. They didn’t protest at segregation for black and white people. The church didn’t condemn the persecution of the Jews. There were a few exceptions along the way. Wilberforce was an Anglican from Southwark Diocese and there was Niemöller and Bonheoffer as well as the liberation theologians. History has shown who was right. These individual priests contributed so much, despite the lack of backing from their institutions. Which side will history judge House of Bishop’s Statement to be on? As for me I will always be on the side of love.

Why is it so easy to fall through the cracks?

A few months ago I had been called to a situation where a 93 year old was dying. The staff called me because they were concerned about the woman’s daughter. She appeared to be in her 50’s but had an obvious learning difficulty and/or a mental health problem. 

This became very apparent when I had the unenviable job of trying to explain to the daughter that her mum was about to die. It was clear to me that the daughter wasn’t taking it all in despite my best efforts. I stayed with them both till mum died. The daughter without showing that she understood the significance of what had just happened then said she wanted to go home. 

Earlier I had spoken to an elderly aunt and cousin who lived some distance away and were the only living relatives. They told me the daughter had always been simple and that the mum had done everything for her. The daughter could go shopping and could cook but they were worried how she would cope in the long term. They told me they would come up. I kept the daughter occupied until they arrived and took her away. I then asked the nurse in charge to refer the daughter to our social workers as a vulnerable adult. She told me that the ward staff were planning to do this.

Two months later I bumped into this woman wandering around the hospital corridors. She was dirty and smelly. People were giving her a really wide birth. I asked her if she remembered me. She told me she did. I asked if anyone had been to see her at home since mum had died and she told me no-one had been around. I asked her why she was at the hospital and she told me that she was a bit depressed and liked to come here for a walk. I asked her if she’d been eating and drinking ok and managing to get to the shops and she told me she had. I then said it must be hard since mum had died and that it seemed to me that she wasn’t looking after herself. I told her that she needed to have a bath and wash her clothes. I also told her to could come and talk to me or one of the other chaplains any time she wanted. I then offered to take her for a cuppa but she decided to go.

It was a tough conversation and not one that I wanted in full public view in a hospital corridor. The woman obviously took comfort from being back at the last place she had seen her mum.

When I got back to the office I checked the vulnerable adults policy and realised it wasn’t any good for these circumstances as the woman wasn’t a patient. I decided to talk it over with a colleague but wasn’t successful in meeting up due to being so busy. While I was wandering the hospital carrying out my usual duties I kept thinking about the situation and wandering what was the best thing to do. I eventually hit upon the idea of looking up the mothers details and finding out who the GP was. I then rang the GP. They told me that a referral had been made in November. I explained that the mum had been dead 6 weeks by then and that the woman needed an urgent assessment. The GP asked me what was wrong with her as they had no records. I said I wasn’t medically qualified to answer but it was clear there were significant problems and she was very vulnerable. The GP assured me she would take action so therefore I felt I’d done the right thing and handed her over to someone who could make a difference.

It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is for people to slip through the net, even in a supposedly civilised world. How many thinking and feeling people walked passed that woman as she wandered the hospital corridors or the local community and did nothing? I hope I never get to the point where I am so intimidated by a situation that I turn into a bystander!