Living with cancer

In 2015 I started a Facebook community page called "We are all terminal - The reality of living with cancer. Initially and for quite some time in fact, I did this anonymously as most people didn't know I had cancer. Maybe the reasons were multifaceted. I've never wanted to be treated differently and I also don't like hurting, upsetting or worrying people.

I was diagnosed formally in 2000 with a rare blood cancer called myelo dysplastic syndrome. I had had symptoms for a few years before this but, due to the rareness of this illness and the fact that it usually afflicts older people, it took a while to diagnose me.

That means that for the whole time I was writing my blog about chaplaincy and working with people caught up in the many traumas that brought them into hospital, I myself was also having regular medical appointments and dealing with my mortality. Maybe that helps explain why I have such a passion to ensure people live until they die and why I'm not afraid to go where angels fear to tread.

I have decided to now release those community pages via this blog so that they are accessible to a wider audience. I hope that in a some way these random thoughts help anyone who is struggling. September is also blood cancer awareness month so I do it in honour of all of us living with various blood cancers as well as all the other fighters and survivors, carers and patients. You are an amazing bunch.

Jan 2015

When you live with cancer you do want to inspire people. I certainly don't want people to just see the illness. I want them to see me for who I am. I still want to be a mischievous imp. I still want to be a valued member of staff. I still want to be a much loved family member. I don't want to be the cause of worry and upset for people. I guess the trick is to learn to cope in all those situations and always to make the best of it.

It's hard to explain tiredness to someone who doesn't have cancer. When I say "I'm tired” I often get back "I'm tired too" When you have cancer though tiredness takes on a whole new meaning.  It's like being tired in a way that no matter how much sleep or rest you get it doesn't make a difference. It's an exhaustion that goes down into your very core that nothing can fix. Next time someone with cancer says "I'm tired" stop and think if you really know what they are talking about.